I just can’t stop thinking about Dr Gillian McKeith… so I’m sending her a present

I can’t help thinking that someone should persuade Dr McKeith to do a You what you eat special on a real Living Ghost. An analysis of their diet would be a real eye-opener. I might try and get her to do this myself, and I think I have a strategy for persuading her.

One of the key items on the show is when she asks the featured fatty to provide her with a stool sample (not the type you get from MFI) which she sends off for analysis. She then humiliates the poor person by berating them for the poor quality of their faeces, comparing the sorry specimens with the ideal type (presumably her own) and urges them to mend their ways.

I have always scoffed at this televisual trash in the past. And I should point out that I am not overly interested in my own defecatory handiwork. But one should have a healthy curiosity, and I have noticed that since I have stopped eating fruit and veg and most sources of fibre there has been a marked deterioration in quality, and indeed quantity. I do not want to go into too great detail on this for fear of offending the readers’ sensibilities, but will instead seek refuge in a metaphor. It is fair to say that as far as my motions are concerned, the era of the shoal of sleek healthy pikes has been replaced by the era of the solitary minnow (and occasionally a small crab) floating forlornly in the toilet bowl pond. Enough said, I think.

Anyhow, I think that I could send Dr McKeith a ‘before and after’ sample by post, along with a letter imploring her to compare them with her own and then to film a show featuring the diet of a real Living Ghost. I’m sure she has people sending her pooh in the post all the time, but it’s worth a shot. Let me know what you think.

P.S. The above image is not my own work and is purely illustrative.